I said I would try to write everyday here and be honest about my feelings. No matter how silly or how bitter, or how many friends I lose. Because this space is me.
I feel like I am clinging for life on a piece of driftwood. I know I need to be going somewhere and I think I know what I want, but probably have no way to get it. The thing that I want that has been killing me recently, is someone to love me. You know how long I dont have that? The thing is you start to think that things are wrong with you.. and then when people around you are happy, you wonder why you are still so sad. It feels incorrect.
I tripped off the other night. Not because of jealousy or hurt really. But I was concerned. I remember telling someone, "You can only begin a relationship with a man if he wants you too. There is a point when they are ready to settle down, tired of games and "playing" and as long as you are in the right place, right time, then its for you." I often meet these fools in the height of their playing times. Noone is ever ready. So many people have left "dating" me and moved on to find fulfilling relationships.. it is like I am a tester. I say "yes, I think you're ready now to go onto to worthy woman", but who is testing the man for me? Which goes back to my friend, who tested the man for her? I have reached a stage where I don't want to put heart on the line, or effort into anything. I am bitter. I am cynical about love and relationships and men in particular. I grimace when any man from my past appears that has caused me any pain. Because there is a pain in my chest, in my heart, when you want to call someone and there is noone or on a cold day or night you want a hug. When you want someone to start a life with, someone you are comfortable sharing you dreams, someone you are comfortable talking with, someone who recognises that you are the one and it isnt just about sex or opportunity. It is about an "us". I don't remember doing anything wrong. The few times I was in anything serious, I have tried to be faithful, honest and loving. I guess life isnt about returning the favor.
When will it come to me?
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2 comments:
Mandy lou,the last time I was in a relationship where a man loved me solely and unconditionally was 4 yrs ago.Afer that it was a mix of relationships to soothe the pain and filling the void of losing a sister and also because a big self esteem problem.I doh want to go throught the details on yuh blog.I have had to do a lot of praying and soul searching.It is an ongoing process.If yuh want we could talk about it.
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