So now this is where I am.

I have still given him the opportunity for chance. TO regain me. But it doesn't seem that he is taking the bait.. maybe he doesn't think me worth it.

This is what I said to him after his I love you's and I miss you's. Cause these words mean nothing to me. How could it. You went and got another woman pregnant and I had to find out. You continued to sleep with her everytime she visited and lied to me about it. The nights at the Hyatt? I have seen the pictures.. she had you bound. But yet, your umbrella is not the only one like it in Trinidad.. it was not you. I have also seen the conversations between you and her.. you long to rub her belly and make everything better.. This when she found out that you and I were indeed still in a relationship.. you denounced me. I was just for a time. Until you and her could settle with your family. And then you come to me, after you have gone to her and you hug me and carress me and take my body. After you have taken hers. I could have had that family for you. I told you as much, just that the time was not right. I like planning.. so Why lie to me when I already know.. I have told you as such. Yet you claim you care. You love me and miss me but cannot be honest.
And you throw that trump in my face..because I am close to your mother I would be abandoning her because of my inability to be around you..

This is what I told you :

Alot of changes would have to be made. You'd need to show that u r maturing, that ur serious about a relationship with me and only me. Start thinking about your future and where u want to go in life. You'd have to work on me learning to trust you again and be open and honest with me always. You'd need to respect me i.e there can't be any other women. At all. More appreciation needed, less selfishness. Everything cannot be about you.. I want to see visible changes. For my birthday and christmas and valentine's i felt like shit. I have been feeling second best and insecure and I hate it. I hate feeling like Robert and Sean and Jason and whoever else are laughing at me and tolerating your indescretions with other women. Those are my conditions. This is so serious for me. Think about it. Cause I won't be tolerating bullshit with you. I'm not rushing you. I think I need this time to think as much as you do.


That was what I wrote. I wasted my time and he wasted his reading it. Why do we as women always feel the need to get emotional about things that are so obvious. It is obvious that he would like to maintain this relationship with Solange and the baby.. Of course. It is obvious that because of this he would never truly respect a relationship with myself. So why am I still thinking about it? Why am i still trying to salvage? I have no idea. I am afraid of being alone I guess. I could have looked at him from when he started and said to myself that he wasn't worth it. That the same thing I was doing would be done to me. That the sweet red man face and all the tricks would be attempted on me as well. But I said I knew better. That all the liming and the drinking would be with me by his side.. HEEEYYYYYYYYY.. it's all good. But then now I know that all those things for me were a cover up for his selfishness and immaturity. For the fact that if he had to make a decision to pay a bill or to contribute to a lime. He'd buy the drinks. or even better, buy a gift for amanda or buy a shirt for myself. He'd buy the shirt.

According to Iyanla :
You can't change people. You have to accept people as they

are. Why would you spend five years in a relationship with a man who wanted something

other than what you wanted?

I am afraid. I am afraid that I would return. Even after all the shit.